Surviving the Journey: Control to Chaos and Out The Other Side
I am no expert but I am blown away by the profound shift in my life, my self, my being, since I tuned into the subtle energies of my existence. There’s a little backstory here, and it’s buried in my journey into motherhood but it starts way back when I was a little girl and we lived in a town called Nimbin for a while. You may have heard of it. A hippy commune in northern New South Wales, Nimbin is known for it’s alternative approach to living. Nimbin was our haven, a place of safety against a backdrop of significant traumas in my life at the time. I was 9 yrs old when we moved there for a year and I had no idea what was surrounding me, still too young and introverted to notice. But what I did know, was that for the first time in my life I felt connected. I was connected to Mother Nature. She whispered to me in the trees, shone brightly at me in the sun and grass, tickled me through the hairs on the end of the cows nose and woke me rudely through the roosters crow. She held my fractured little soul sacredly and touched me with hers, imprinting me with her truth, deep, deep, deep in my core. Now don’t worry, at the time it was all cow pats and friendship rings. It wasn’t until much, much later that I recalled those connections, that felt presence of our divine source, that I realised what I had experienced.
In my teens, twenties and much of my thirties I strived against all things spiritual. I studied hard, drank lots and worked my way up the corporate ladder in a very successful public service career. I thought I had my life ALL FIGURED OUT.
And then along came my first born.
Now, thanks to my childhood I held a very strong belief that I didn’t not want children. I couldn’t fathom how I would give a child a good experience, when my own had been so hard and hurtful. It just didn't compute. But one day, I woke up and felt different. I literally felt different. I opened myself to the possibility. I realised that I actually had everything in place to give a child a very good life, and that I had created that. So if I could create a great life for myself, then maybe I could do the same for a child and if that was the case, then yes, I would like to be a mother. And so I fell pregnant. In my mind, I had it all worked out. Pregnancy, birth (maybe c-section if I didn’t feel like birthing was my thing), maternity leave and back to full-time work to further my career.
I’m sure those of you who have been down this path can sense what’s coming? Well, the shock of my life came - literally - when it came time to birth my eldest daughter.
I was terrified. I had no confidence whatsoever that I could birth a baby. I had no idea about the process, about what my body could do, about my eternal connection to this new life. I did not feel like a woman. I felt like a vessel. I booked an induction to make sure my angel of an obstetrician was on hand. And it was horrendous. I was not prepared in the slightest for the visceral experience that is birthing. The physicality, the primality was too much for my analytical mind to bear. I had no idea that during that process my spine would undulate to awaken all the energies of my soul in bringing this being to life. That I would energetically imprint her with all my terror, anxiety, fear, overwhelm and grief. I felt completely at sea, abnormal and not at all grateful. I was sooooo disconnected, I could have been on Mars. My labour was very quick which did not help. I left the hospital 5 days later in tears, not knowing how to feed my baby properly. I struggled through those first few weeks and eventually gave up, switching to formula so I could have some control, some order in the madness. And promptly slipped into post-natal depression.
The weeks and months slid by and I hid under a cover of tiredness. Until eventually I started to wake up. Something in me stirred, started stoking the fire in my belly to get better, to find a path out, and to definitely not go backwards. Now as someone who had been diagnosed High Functioning Asperger’s at 30, after a long and winding diagnosis route, I was not a fan of medication. I had been on and off it for years, and at the time, I was on it. I figured it wasn’t really working because I was depressed, on anti-depressants. So I started looking for alternative pathways out of this mental mess and I discovered the gut-brain connection.
As an innate researcher I scoured all the sources I could find for information and found a wonderful nutritionist. I did a DNA Wellness Test (which spoke to my need for evidence) and discovered amazing facts about my genetic makeup that helped me target a nutritional program to manage my physical and emotional wellbeing. My eyes were opened to the influence of toxins, how the body works, what we know and what we don’t know. I was introduced to the magic of fermenting - veggies, kraut, yoghurt, kefir and kombucha, where I found more links to my childhood. The whole foods my mother cooked, her medicinal chicken soup (now the oh so fashionable bone broth!) and her understanding and respect for natures bounty. That the natural world held all the solutions and if we got out of the way, we’d be able to receive them. It worked. I had great results, got off the medication, was healthy and well.
Then I went back to work.
A whole new raft of questions came up. Who the hell was I now? I missed Eadie so much it was unbearable. I wasn’t supposed to be this person. I was supposed to be the other person. The one who took it all in her stride - leadership, bottles, nappies and negotiations. But as much as I thought I should be that person, it was starkly evident that I was not. I had to listen, I had to face the questions and I had this niggling feeling that the answers were not going to be what I wanted to hear.
Pregnancy number two decided to answer the questions for me. We’ll leave the details of that journey for another post, suffice to say it did not go smoothly and it forced me to confront the questions of purpose and life.
Fast forward and my second daughter is 1 yr old and I am contemplating my second return to work. Every time I thought about it I wanted to run, madly in the other direction. I physically felt myself back-peddling away from the structure and soulless nature of my career. I decided to take some further time off, this time just for me. So I could dive deep and figure out who I really was now (or have always been) and how I could go about being that person - so that I could continue to feel the love, joy and contentment that had awoken in me.
And here’s the thing. When you get present to yourself, when you get real and you open up, you make space for the Divine to flow into your life. Strange shit happens.
First, essential oils found me. Like in a gigantic way. When I opened the first bottle my whole body sensed it, it was like I could see molecules travelling in the superhighways of my neural networks and they were HAPPY and FREE! I couldn’t put them down and I had to know everything I could about them. I bought books and would wake up at 4am (having already been woken multiple times during the night) with excitement to learn. I was obsessed. And when I discovered I could build a business with these oils, despite never having worked in retail and only ever attending two previous product ‘parties’ - it was a revelation. Finally, I found something I could do that actually 'lit' me up.
And then, through the gorgeous nature that is dōTERRA, I came across Emotional Freedom Technique. Now as someone who had studied psychology and then spent 15 years in behavioural management (first with criminals, then with staff - same, same!), I have always had a keen interest in ways to shift human behaviour. Seeing as we all seem to find it so difficult :) EFT appealed to me because it’s a tool that empowers people, and doesn’t make them dependent on a long term therapeutic relationship. It combines eastern medicine with western psychology, the evidence base has exploded in the last 10 years and it’s simple and effective. So I completed my certification to become a practitioner. In doing that work, I discovered there were a few traumas still lurking around in the dark recesses of my soul, preventing me from stepping out into my fullest potential. I was able to clear a lot and fully understand the bits that remained. I knew I was not done, and while google searching information about energy psychology, Emotional Anatomy dropped into my results.
Now, I had zero idea about Emotional Anatomy, and even less intention of making a significant time and financial investment taking a course that I had no idea how I could use in my life. But it nagged at me. It nagged and nagged and nagged at me until I picked up the phone and made the call. The beautiful Tess was very helpful about what was covered in the course, but it was still vague and I definitely did not have the $$ at the time to afford it. So I "ummed" and "ahhed" and told her I would get back to her. A few weeks went by and I could not let it go. I felt this incredible pull to do this course, to sign up, knowing that I needed it. There was something that I needed to learn, and it was fundamental to my being, foundational to my experience and pivotal to my future. So I said yes. It felt completely right.
When the time came to commence the course I was really quite relaxed. I was intrigued and open, but I also knew I had done a lot of inner work in my previous 20 years so I thought I would be in a fairly knowledgable seat of power. Bahahahaha! I could not have been more wrong. The Emotional Anatomy course was life-changing. To see myself from the perspective of my soul, my potential, was indescribable. Barriers were broken, beliefs identified, distilled, discarded and new ones formed. And healing came. Because up to this point I had cleansed a lot of the emotional trauma from my childhood, but I knew deep down that I had not forgiven the various perpetrators in the story. I could not quite get myself to do that. Through the growth I experienced I was able to truly see and accept that everything is energy. EVERYTHING. Not just all the good, nice, happy stuff, but also all the bad, painful, hurting stuff and the people that went with those feelings. EVERYTHING. And if everything is energy, then I can accept that my perpetrators were experiencing and acting our their own energetic journey, that was clearly full of pain, sadness, shame, guilt and grief. I accept that they were not bad people, there is no such thing. And just like that, it evaporated. The last little remnants of trauma that I was holding onto, just pffft. And forgiveness came in their place.
Now, I recognise that this may be a long bow for anyone else to draw, and that’s ok, because you don’t have to - it’s my journey and yours is yours. There is no judgement here. But I can tell you since going through that expansion, I relate to those memories so differently and I am beginning to reclaim my sovereignty. And THAT is powerful. Because for a child that has been sexually abused and grown up in violence, the long term effects of losing personal power are dramatic, constant and compounding. Without personal power, I lived a life that was not mine. Always looking to please others and for external validation lead me to the place that despite being quite functional (great job, house, marriage, dog etc) it was not happy, fulfilled or connected.
Through using essential oils, EFT and Emotional Anatomy I found that I am a creative, nurturing woman, deeply connected to my Self and my lineage. It pours out of me now. I am so different. I am completely at peace with that. That doesn’t mean that everyday is peaceful - I have small children, a business, a job, my day’s are anything but peaceful. But I am in touch with who I am. My authentic self. My truth. And that has made finding my purpose easy. I fought it and made it waaaaayyyyy too complicated, but it kept standing front and centre until I did the work to clear the view so that I could see. I am a healer. A nurturer. A leader. I am practical, efficient and focused. All my experience and skills to date have led me to this point.
I use emotional anatomy, EFT and essential oils to help people heal. I'm a creator, problem-solver and change-maker. It’s that simple, and I love it.